It's Time For You To Stop Abusing Yourself With Secret Failures

Are you an abuser?  I'll answer for you.  Yes, you are.  And so am I.  C'mon, admit it.  You've been an abuser for a long time.  You've become an "expert abuser".  In fact, you're being abusive right now.  And if that's not you, you were being abusive just before you started reading my post.  Still not you?  Sit tight.  I've got you covered too.  You're going to abuse yourself after you finish reading my post.  See, I know you.  I know all about you and your abusive behavior.  I used to be you.  I was an awful abuser.  An abuser of the worst sort.

I was the worst!  I'd rage and rant.  I'd denigrate and degrade.  I'd deride and dismiss.  Nothing was ever good enough for me.  Even when things were perfect it still wasn't good enough.  "It should have been done this way!”, I'd chide.  "Are you ever going to get this right?!”, I'd shout.  And if you know me at all, you know that I'm not a yeller.  Nope.  Not my style.  Until it was.

You see, I'd be very subtle, coy, and clever with my abuse.  At worst, what I had to say would be delivered with a bit of a frown.  But most of the time, I said things with a straight and almost comforting look on my face.  The trick was to make sure my message sunk in.  That it took effect.  Deep beneath the surface.  Deep into the mind.  To be replayed.  Over and over.  And over again.  To have the second guessing start to repeat.  "Maybe he is right.  Maybe I did screw things up again."  Imagine having to live with that every day. 

And I did.  Because I was an abuser.  On a regular basis, I abused myself.

I abused myself physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  In part, it's what being a perfectionist will do to you.  It's what listening to and believing the lies of Satan will do to you.  I know, you don't believe in all that.  Well, just because you don't believe it doesn't make it any less true or him any less real.  For now, know this.  "Be alert and of sober mind.  Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." - 1 Peter 5.8

Like you, I bought into his lies and deceptions about, well, everything.  My life and every part of it.  One of the primary places he'd get me was with success.  That is, if I didn't attain a certain level of success, then I'd failed.  I'd beat myself up about it.  I'd abuse myself.  I'd allow him to do it as well.  I'd hold tightly to my secret failures.  Just like you.  I'd fight and temporarily escape.  I thought I was winning.  Just like you.  Only to have the next devastating blow knock me right out of the box.

Until that day.  One day.  When Jesus Christ set me free.  Truly free.  And in case you're wondering, I'd given my life to Christ decades before that day.  Surprise!  See, that's how I know you so well.  I was you!  

Until the day I decided to lay it all down and submit and relent, I was doomed to failure and living with secret failures.  I had some lessons to learn.  My old way of living, thinking, and believing had to become and--watch this--remain just that.  OLD!  As in, in the past.  Done.  Over.  I had to take God at His word when He said, "...as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." - Psalm 103.12.  And, "I, even I, am he who blots your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more." - Isaiah 43.25.  

It's time for you to do the same thing.  Ask the Lord to forgive you, because, "...if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." - 1 John 1.9.  

You also need to forgive yourself.  That's right.  Forgive yourself for mistakes that you've made.  Forgive and move forward.  Don't let the same mistake beat you twice.  

You've also got to forgive some other folk as well.  Even if they're no longer here or in your life.  I know.  This one is hard and you just bristled up and tried to tune me out, but you're still reading.  Because you know it's true.  It's time to release them.  By way of releasing them, you'll be released.  You'll finally be able to truly live an abundant, full, and prosperous life.  The one you were made to live.  The best part about releasing them is this.  You'll be FREE!

Dr. Charles Stanley of InTouch Ministries has provided this next bit of advice for years.  If a person whose hurt you is no longer here or you don't know their whereabouts, this is what you do.  Get two chairs.  One is for you.  One is for that other person.  Have the conversation with them.  Tell them how much they hurt you.  Get it all out.  Then, forgive them.

I know.  That sounds a bit silly, doesn't it?  Until you do it and it works.  And before you ask, yes, I've done it.  A few times.  You may have to do it more than once too.  Do it.  Your life is worth it.  You're worth it.  The people who love you and those you love, they're worth it.  Because you know its had an impact on and is impacting them too, right?

I know that last one, forgiving those who've hurt and injured us, ain't simple or easy.  I also know that it must be done.  I know that this is an issue that is far deeper than can be tackled or handled in a single blog post.  That's why I didn't attempt to tackle or handle it in full.  Instead, I wanted to get you started off on the right foot to dealing with and handling it.  It's time.

It's time for you to stop abusing yourself with secret failures.  It's time for you to be at peace.  It's time for you to get set free.

If you're truly and finally ready to stop abusing yourself with secret failures and start leading and living your best life, I believe that I can help you.  Contact me.  

Headless Chickens - Part 2

Welcome back, y'all!  Good to see you again!  I know you're anxious to get going, so let's get after it.  You're surrounded by Headless Chickens.  What do you do?  Here are a few tips.

1. Keep your head.  It sounds like a corny play on words based on the title of this post, but it's 100% true.  Think on it.  When you "lost your mind", what good were you for anyone?  For yourself?  What good did it do?  You accomplished nothing.  Here's what you do instead.  Keep calm.  Process the situation.  Make a decision and act on it.  Execute your plan.

2. Speak up.  Headless Chickens tend to squawk.  A lot.  And they do it loudly.  I can tell you why this happens and explain such behavior, but we'll explore those things in another post.  Make sure your voice gets heard.  Don't just sit there.  After you've assessed the situation, speak to it.  Speak on it.  Don't worry about being right.  This is to show that you're engaged (I can't believe I just used that word.  More on that in a few.) and that you're concerned and care.  Because you do.  At times, that gets lost on folk because of the Headless Chickens and their antics.  Don't let it.

3. Black and white.  Confused?  Don't be.  Listen.  You've taken everything in.  You've got the facts and necessary information.  After the meeting/session, head back to your office or your desk and put your plan on paper.  Whether that's electronic paper such as a Word document or an actual piece of paper.  Who cares?!  Just get it down.  While the Headless Chickens are running about, you're coming up with a plan.  For now and--watch this--the future.  After all, you've seen the future and it will be.  You'll have something to present to your manager and explain to her why your approach is a good option.  It doesn't have to be the best one all the time (Note: Please don't fall into that trap!  The trap of perfectionism.).   

Those are a few things to help you survive and thrive while in the midst of Headless Chickens.  I know you've got more.  Share them with us!  Remember, we're here to help one another.  

As promised, here's a final thought about that word I mentioned above: engaged.  Shamefully, some folk in leadership roles use it with a negative connotation.  They say that you're not engaged.  Allow me to translate that for you.  "You're not running around like a chicken with it's  head cut off like the rest of us.  Like me.  Because you're not doing so, that means you don't care and you're not getting anything done."  That'd be cool.  If it wasn't a lie. 

Hears the deal.  You care.  You are engaged.  It's just in ways that they don't notice.  We'll hit those in another post.  Side note: I'm starting to realize that this is going to require a bit more examination than I thought.  It's all good.  I promise to hit in full.  Back to the point.  You to need to realize that you engage for different reasons, in a different way, and with a different end in mind.  You want more than an engagement.  You want a good, solid marriage with your clients.  After all, you're a relationship builder.  And you want to build and cultivate strong, solid, mutually beneficial, and life-giving relationships.  

Their thinking shotgun wedding.  You're thinking, "Engagement?!  I never accepted the proposal!  And y'all want me to marry this mess?!  No thank you."  Friends, that's one of the reasons that you have to speak up.  You can't afford to be attached to that mess.  That's why you've got to have a plan in black and white.  It's why you must keep your head.  In spite of the criticism.  I promise you that it'll bear you out.  It may take some time (It will.).  It may not happen in your current role, but it will happen. 

I encourage you to fight the good fight against Headless Chickens.  Believe it or not, there's a few things you can learn from them.  See, I told y'all this thing requires more examination.  I'll get after it.  In the meantime, think of and share some of the other ways and tips that you use when you're surrounded by Headless Chickens.   Additionally, think of some new ways that you can and will try as well.  

I leave y'all with a lil' bit of Kipling.  That's Rudyard Kipling to you.  :-)  This is from his poem, If.  It applies to everyone.  I encourage you to think on it.  Apply it to your life.  To your situation.  Hang it on your wall.  Remember it when you're surrounded by Headless Chickens.  After all, it just may help to keep you engaged until you get the proposal you've been waiting for and the wedding you deserve. 

"If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs...Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!"

Rock On! Part 2

Iiiiiii’m baaaaaack!  Y'all miss me?  I missed you!  How’ve you been?!  Y’all ready for Part 2?  I'll warn you now, some of what I’m about to say is going to sound straight crazy.  It’ll even be foreign to some of you and that’s cool.  Still, stay with me.  Because…  “Yeah, Eric.  We know.  You’re going somewhere.”  My prized pupils.  You do listen to me after all.  Alright, now here we go.  

Here’s what I did after all that news today.  My day of deeply dented car doors and wack letters.  I knelt down in my Reaching Room (more on that in other posts, but you should have one too) and I cried out to God.  Expressing my love and gratitude for Him.  For his plan.  I expressed my trust in Him.  I said, “Lord, I know that none of this caught You off guard.  And although it’s new to me, I know that You’ve already got it worked out.”  After all, if I trust my life to this Cat—and I do—what’s a dented car door and a letter with some not so pleasant information?  Bigger Things, y’all. 

And aren’t I supposed to give thanks/be thankful in all circumstances (1 Thess. 5.18)?  Remind me to tell y’all how God rocked my life with that verse one day.  So, back to me being thankful in all circumstances.  Now, I’m not saying that I thanked Him for this.  Well, at least not with or in those words, but as I was praying, something strange started to happen.  This ain’t the strange part, but here’s what I did next.  I rebuked Satan and told him that this was a nice try but the old me is dead and this distraction that he’s thrown my way won’t work.  I hit him with a right cross of 1 John 4.4 and an uppercut of Philippians 4.19!  If you know me, you know that I don’t play when it comes to spiritual warfare, because it is not to be trifled in.  I suit up and I get after it!  I know you're wondering, "What's with the things God allows to happen in our lives?"  Good question.  Peep.  

 

Here’s the thing about what God allows in our lives.  See, if God allows something in our lives that means He’s ordained it.  That means it’s for our good (Note: I did not say it would feel good.).  Because He won’t allow anything that’s not going to help us grow and become more like His son, Jesus Christ.  If we respond the right way, He’ll get the glory for it and we’ll get the gain.  We’ll grow, y’all!  We’ll grow and become the persons He’s called us to be!  I mean, how cool is that?!  Ok, here’s the strange part.  I started to laugh.  Hysterically.  Uncontrollably.  And I was crying!  Cra.  Zy.  Wild, ain’t it, y’all?!  I was crackin’ up!  Now, I’m not going to get all deep and theological on y’all, but I started to understand something this evening.  I started to understand the term “tears of joy.”  Although I was crying, I was anything but sad.  I was encouraged!  I was excited!  I knew something was changing.  Something was different.  I laughed for many more minutes (say that fast 10 times).  Satan would have us be all down in the mouth and woe is me feeling and hiding in the bed under the covers and crying a different kind of tears than I cried today.  Trust me.  I’ve been there.  

Back then, it used to take me some time to come out of those funks.  Interesting, because I’d preach to other folk, “It’s ok to feel that way, you just can’t stay there.”  Aren’t we good at helping other folk, but awful at taking and applying our own advice, y’all?  Oh, so y’all are going to front on me and not raise your hands or nod your heads in agreement?  Ok.  That’s better.  If we’re going to be cool, y’all have to keep it real and be honest with me.  I’m doing and will do the same.  Cool?  Cool.  Back to my laughter.  I’m calling it Holy Laughter.  Yep.  I said it.  Sounds wild to me too.  It’s the only way I know how to describe it, because I had no reason to be laughing.  It was different than the kind of laughing we do when we hear funny jokes or we’re watching our favorite movies or TV shows.  I’ll tell y’all something else.  It felt good.  In fact, it was more than good.  It felt great.  I had (still have) complete peace about it all.  Why?  Because God’s in control.  Remember, I trust Him with my life.  Hello!  How can I not trust Him to provide me with the wisdom and necessary resources to handle this?  Chil’ please!  This ain’t nuttin’ but a ultraperm (Thank you, Eddie Murphy.).  My faith runs deep, y’all.  It has to, because I’ve got work to do. 

Y’all have more to say?  Cool.  What’s up?  “Thanks, Eric.  I dig what you’re sayin, but it sounds a little weird.  But, um, if a person wanted to, what could a person do to get like this or experience this?  Or at least get some understanding?  You know.  If a person wanted to.”  Well, if a person wanted to and said person doesn’t know who Jesus is, you’d start there.  Find out who He is.  Read about Him.  In the bible.  You know, it’s that dusty book that’s under your bed, on your bookshelf, in the dresser drawer or wherever you keep it.  It’s the one you break out when your Mama or Aunt or Bro. Johnson from the church you sometimes go to comes by to hang out.  A good place to start is in the Gospels.  Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.  Read them.  All of them.  After that, let’s talk.  Because once you’re done reading them, things may seem a wee bit different for you.  Around you.  In you.  You may find yourself feeling a bit differently.  Just like I was today.  But also just like me, you can find yourself laughing and being joyful in the midst of chaos.  All you’ve got to do is Rock On!                    

PhD

PhD.  Doctor of Philosophy.  Dictionary.com defines PhD as, “…the highest degree awarded by a graduate school, usually to a person who has completed at least three years of graduate study and a dissertation approved by a board of professors.”  I thought about obtaining my PhD, but after completing my master’s degree in business management, I was done.  No more degrees for this guy!  Now it was time to get paid!  That would have been nice.  If it actually happened.  Oh, well.  More on that in future posts.  PhD.  You want one, don't you?  The prestige.  The honor.  The juice.  No, not that kind of juice.  I’m talking about clout.   Respect.  Pull.  How cool would it be to have a PhD?!  All of your hard work would be worth it, right?  It better be.  Because you’ll have to put in a ton of work to obtain your PhD.  But you know what?  Based on my definition of PhD, I reckon that some of you already have your PhD.  “Eric.  Eric.  Eric.  You’re a funny man!  I’ve got my high school diploma.  I did a couple of years at State, but I didn’t finish.  So, once again, thanks, but you’re wrong, bud.”  I’m serious, y’all.  Some of you already have at least one PhD.  I’ll prove it.

Are you a business owner?  Or maybe you’re highly respected at your place of employment?  Maybe you’re finally pursuing your ever-elusive college degree.  No, I got it.  You’re walking in your calling.  Your destiny.  See.  P-H-D.  Many of you have one.  Where are my dream-builders?  They’ve got PhDs.  Dream-builders know.  Business-builders.  Y’all know.  Anyone who's ever had a dream and worked on bringing it to fruition knows.  PhDs ain't for the faint of heart.  It's messy stuff.  It's dirty stuff.  PhDs are costly.  Are you ready to pay?  Better yet, are you able to pay?  How do you know?  How do you know that this, this PhD that you’re about to pursue, if this is it or if it's just something you dig quite a bit?  I’ll share one way for you to know.  If you let go of it, but it won't let you go?  That's one way to know.  In truth, there's no perfect answer.  You're probably going to have to try many things before you find it.  Trial and error?  Probably in the beginning.  But at some point, you'll be drawn towards your natural gifts.  Strongly.  You'll flow effortlessly in them.  Some of you may already know what they are. You may know exactly what your it is.  If so, good for you. However, for most of you, it's going to take some digging. Some experimenting. You're going to have to dig your hands in the dirt.  Why?  Because 50 years from now you don't want to look back and say that you didn't get in the car.  

I can hear you again.  “Eric.  Are you sure you’re talking about a PhD?”  Dear reader, I assure you that I am.  Stay with me.  I’m going somewhere.  The traditional meaning of PhD, Doctor of Philosophy, is one type of PhD.  I’m talking about the other PhD.  Passion.  Hurt.  Destiny.  You are passionate about this thing you’re doing and pursuing, right?  If so, then you know that passion hurts.  You're going to have to dig deep, because passion hurts.  Passion requires sacrifice.   And you’re passionate about this thing, right?  If so, you know that it also requires hope.  It requires dogged pursuit.  What's that?  Ever seen a dog chase a squirrel, rabbit, or another dog?  Maybe you’ve seen a cheetah chasing its prey?  Especially a cheetah chasing its prey.  Furious.  Relentless.  Great speed.  Stride for stride with its prey.  Tenacity.  Exhaustion.  That's the kind of pursuit passion requires.  And it hurts.  It's why many folk give up on their dreams.

Let me explain.  Think about the things you've pursued or are pursuing passionately: new job, back to college, college for the first time, starting a business, restarting a business, career change, a man, a woman, your kids.  Any hurt in any of those?  Exactly.  Why?  Because your destiny or at least a part of your destiny may be or is in there somewhere.  In it.  In them.  Maybe it’s their destiny that you’ve been called to help them find and fulfill.  Regardless, to walk tall in your destiny, or help someone else reach and realize theirs, you have to be willing to sacrifice the short-term pleasures for the long-term rewards.  

I’ll share a quick story with you.  When I first got my dog, Bruizer, I was taken completely out of my comfort zone.  The entire experience was new to me.  The biggest challenge (there were many)?  Knowing when he needed to go out to do his business.  Housebreaking him.  It was really pushing me to my limits!  I/We had to figure this out quickly or one of us wasn’t going to make it!  See, I'm a "sign guy".  No, not that kind of sign guy.  The kind who puts up motivational signs around his home, office, and even in the car.  I type them up in PowerPoint, print them, and hang them.  Back then, one of my signs said, "Short-Term pain for Long-Term gain".  I had to sacrifice my easy way of life, cleaning up after myself around the house and being responsible for my own bathroom duties, if you will, and tend to his.  Short-term pain.  Now?  We're old pros, Bruizer and I. That short-term pain turned into long-term gain. 

Bruizer at 3 months old

Why?  Passion.  I was passionate about him and his success.  I was passionate about getting this right.  I was passionate about keeping my house clean.  Because I was so passion about it, it cost me.  Not financially.  Although, that was an aspect of it.  But how many of y’all know that that's a small piece of the pie?  Right.  Back to the point.  It cost me.  It “hurt.”  I remember asking myself, “Why is this happening?  What was I thinking?” "Somebody make it stop!"  "Make it go away!"  Passion.  Hurt.  Sacrifice.  10pm.  2am.  6am.  Those are the times that I had to take Bruizer out if I was going to help him be successful at this housebreaking thing.  In the dead of winter of 2008-2009.  Bitter cold.  Lots of snow and ice.  See, you may think I'm smart, because I write and have a couple of degrees.  Sike!  Fooled ya!  Smart folk don't buy non-housebroken (yes, I make words up) puppies.  In the winter.  In Ohio.  See not very smart. :-) 

But that little guy who had me up in the wee hours putting his lil’ paws on my boots to keep them warm, he was a part of my destiny.  But I had to make some sacrifices.  I had to be more concerned about his success than I was my lack of sleep.  I had to hurt.  I had to be passionate.  “So, Eric.  Your destiny was housebreaking your dog?”  No.  It's part of what led me to my destiny.  Speaking.  Teaching.  Writing.  Coaching.  Challenging.  Changing lives.  It also taught me: What I'm capable of.  What I'm able to withstand. That experience was a part of my destiny, because it brought me here with you today.  To challenge you.  To charge you.  To begin equipping you. To help you find your destiny.  To tell you that, "Even when you don't fit, you're fit". Y'all like that, don't you?  Good, ‘cause it’ll be coming soon in a series near you!  :-)  

Seriously, though.  It is usually the case that during those times you're the most fit.  By the way, anytime you don't fit you should get excited!  Why?  Because you're about to grow in major ways!  You'll be tested.  You'll be tried.  However, if you stay in the fire, you'll find out that you're fit for the purpose.  Passion.  Hurt.  Destiny.  PHD and PhD.  Because, in the end, oh, you've become quite philosophical.  And you’ll feel as though you've earned many doctorates.  In Passion.  In Hurt.  In Destiny.  You'll have suffered.  You’ll have counted and paid the cost.  All that'll be left will be for you to take the stage and collect your hard-earned PhD.