It's Time For You To Stop Abusing Yourself With Secret Failures

Are you an abuser?  I'll answer for you.  Yes, you are.  And so am I.  C'mon, admit it.  You've been an abuser for a long time.  You've become an "expert abuser".  In fact, you're being abusive right now.  And if that's not you, you were being abusive just before you started reading my post.  Still not you?  Sit tight.  I've got you covered too.  You're going to abuse yourself after you finish reading my post.  See, I know you.  I know all about you and your abusive behavior.  I used to be you.  I was an awful abuser.  An abuser of the worst sort.

I was the worst!  I'd rage and rant.  I'd denigrate and degrade.  I'd deride and dismiss.  Nothing was ever good enough for me.  Even when things were perfect it still wasn't good enough.  "It should have been done this way!”, I'd chide.  "Are you ever going to get this right?!”, I'd shout.  And if you know me at all, you know that I'm not a yeller.  Nope.  Not my style.  Until it was.

You see, I'd be very subtle, coy, and clever with my abuse.  At worst, what I had to say would be delivered with a bit of a frown.  But most of the time, I said things with a straight and almost comforting look on my face.  The trick was to make sure my message sunk in.  That it took effect.  Deep beneath the surface.  Deep into the mind.  To be replayed.  Over and over.  And over again.  To have the second guessing start to repeat.  "Maybe he is right.  Maybe I did screw things up again."  Imagine having to live with that every day. 

And I did.  Because I was an abuser.  On a regular basis, I abused myself.

I abused myself physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  In part, it's what being a perfectionist will do to you.  It's what listening to and believing the lies of Satan will do to you.  I know, you don't believe in all that.  Well, just because you don't believe it doesn't make it any less true or him any less real.  For now, know this.  "Be alert and of sober mind.  Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." - 1 Peter 5.8

Like you, I bought into his lies and deceptions about, well, everything.  My life and every part of it.  One of the primary places he'd get me was with success.  That is, if I didn't attain a certain level of success, then I'd failed.  I'd beat myself up about it.  I'd abuse myself.  I'd allow him to do it as well.  I'd hold tightly to my secret failures.  Just like you.  I'd fight and temporarily escape.  I thought I was winning.  Just like you.  Only to have the next devastating blow knock me right out of the box.

Until that day.  One day.  When Jesus Christ set me free.  Truly free.  And in case you're wondering, I'd given my life to Christ decades before that day.  Surprise!  See, that's how I know you so well.  I was you!  

Until the day I decided to lay it all down and submit and relent, I was doomed to failure and living with secret failures.  I had some lessons to learn.  My old way of living, thinking, and believing had to become and--watch this--remain just that.  OLD!  As in, in the past.  Done.  Over.  I had to take God at His word when He said, "...as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." - Psalm 103.12.  And, "I, even I, am he who blots your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more." - Isaiah 43.25.  

It's time for you to do the same thing.  Ask the Lord to forgive you, because, "...if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." - 1 John 1.9.  

You also need to forgive yourself.  That's right.  Forgive yourself for mistakes that you've made.  Forgive and move forward.  Don't let the same mistake beat you twice.  

You've also got to forgive some other folk as well.  Even if they're no longer here or in your life.  I know.  This one is hard and you just bristled up and tried to tune me out, but you're still reading.  Because you know it's true.  It's time to release them.  By way of releasing them, you'll be released.  You'll finally be able to truly live an abundant, full, and prosperous life.  The one you were made to live.  The best part about releasing them is this.  You'll be FREE!

Dr. Charles Stanley of InTouch Ministries has provided this next bit of advice for years.  If a person whose hurt you is no longer here or you don't know their whereabouts, this is what you do.  Get two chairs.  One is for you.  One is for that other person.  Have the conversation with them.  Tell them how much they hurt you.  Get it all out.  Then, forgive them.

I know.  That sounds a bit silly, doesn't it?  Until you do it and it works.  And before you ask, yes, I've done it.  A few times.  You may have to do it more than once too.  Do it.  Your life is worth it.  You're worth it.  The people who love you and those you love, they're worth it.  Because you know its had an impact on and is impacting them too, right?

I know that last one, forgiving those who've hurt and injured us, ain't simple or easy.  I also know that it must be done.  I know that this is an issue that is far deeper than can be tackled or handled in a single blog post.  That's why I didn't attempt to tackle or handle it in full.  Instead, I wanted to get you started off on the right foot to dealing with and handling it.  It's time.

It's time for you to stop abusing yourself with secret failures.  It's time for you to be at peace.  It's time for you to get set free.

If you're truly and finally ready to stop abusing yourself with secret failures and start leading and living your best life, I believe that I can help you.  Contact me.  

PhD

PhD.  Doctor of Philosophy.  Dictionary.com defines PhD as, “…the highest degree awarded by a graduate school, usually to a person who has completed at least three years of graduate study and a dissertation approved by a board of professors.”  I thought about obtaining my PhD, but after completing my master’s degree in business management, I was done.  No more degrees for this guy!  Now it was time to get paid!  That would have been nice.  If it actually happened.  Oh, well.  More on that in future posts.  PhD.  You want one, don't you?  The prestige.  The honor.  The juice.  No, not that kind of juice.  I’m talking about clout.   Respect.  Pull.  How cool would it be to have a PhD?!  All of your hard work would be worth it, right?  It better be.  Because you’ll have to put in a ton of work to obtain your PhD.  But you know what?  Based on my definition of PhD, I reckon that some of you already have your PhD.  “Eric.  Eric.  Eric.  You’re a funny man!  I’ve got my high school diploma.  I did a couple of years at State, but I didn’t finish.  So, once again, thanks, but you’re wrong, bud.”  I’m serious, y’all.  Some of you already have at least one PhD.  I’ll prove it.

Are you a business owner?  Or maybe you’re highly respected at your place of employment?  Maybe you’re finally pursuing your ever-elusive college degree.  No, I got it.  You’re walking in your calling.  Your destiny.  See.  P-H-D.  Many of you have one.  Where are my dream-builders?  They’ve got PhDs.  Dream-builders know.  Business-builders.  Y’all know.  Anyone who's ever had a dream and worked on bringing it to fruition knows.  PhDs ain't for the faint of heart.  It's messy stuff.  It's dirty stuff.  PhDs are costly.  Are you ready to pay?  Better yet, are you able to pay?  How do you know?  How do you know that this, this PhD that you’re about to pursue, if this is it or if it's just something you dig quite a bit?  I’ll share one way for you to know.  If you let go of it, but it won't let you go?  That's one way to know.  In truth, there's no perfect answer.  You're probably going to have to try many things before you find it.  Trial and error?  Probably in the beginning.  But at some point, you'll be drawn towards your natural gifts.  Strongly.  You'll flow effortlessly in them.  Some of you may already know what they are. You may know exactly what your it is.  If so, good for you. However, for most of you, it's going to take some digging. Some experimenting. You're going to have to dig your hands in the dirt.  Why?  Because 50 years from now you don't want to look back and say that you didn't get in the car.  

I can hear you again.  “Eric.  Are you sure you’re talking about a PhD?”  Dear reader, I assure you that I am.  Stay with me.  I’m going somewhere.  The traditional meaning of PhD, Doctor of Philosophy, is one type of PhD.  I’m talking about the other PhD.  Passion.  Hurt.  Destiny.  You are passionate about this thing you’re doing and pursuing, right?  If so, then you know that passion hurts.  You're going to have to dig deep, because passion hurts.  Passion requires sacrifice.   And you’re passionate about this thing, right?  If so, you know that it also requires hope.  It requires dogged pursuit.  What's that?  Ever seen a dog chase a squirrel, rabbit, or another dog?  Maybe you’ve seen a cheetah chasing its prey?  Especially a cheetah chasing its prey.  Furious.  Relentless.  Great speed.  Stride for stride with its prey.  Tenacity.  Exhaustion.  That's the kind of pursuit passion requires.  And it hurts.  It's why many folk give up on their dreams.

Let me explain.  Think about the things you've pursued or are pursuing passionately: new job, back to college, college for the first time, starting a business, restarting a business, career change, a man, a woman, your kids.  Any hurt in any of those?  Exactly.  Why?  Because your destiny or at least a part of your destiny may be or is in there somewhere.  In it.  In them.  Maybe it’s their destiny that you’ve been called to help them find and fulfill.  Regardless, to walk tall in your destiny, or help someone else reach and realize theirs, you have to be willing to sacrifice the short-term pleasures for the long-term rewards.  

I’ll share a quick story with you.  When I first got my dog, Bruizer, I was taken completely out of my comfort zone.  The entire experience was new to me.  The biggest challenge (there were many)?  Knowing when he needed to go out to do his business.  Housebreaking him.  It was really pushing me to my limits!  I/We had to figure this out quickly or one of us wasn’t going to make it!  See, I'm a "sign guy".  No, not that kind of sign guy.  The kind who puts up motivational signs around his home, office, and even in the car.  I type them up in PowerPoint, print them, and hang them.  Back then, one of my signs said, "Short-Term pain for Long-Term gain".  I had to sacrifice my easy way of life, cleaning up after myself around the house and being responsible for my own bathroom duties, if you will, and tend to his.  Short-term pain.  Now?  We're old pros, Bruizer and I. That short-term pain turned into long-term gain. 

Bruizer at 3 months old

Why?  Passion.  I was passionate about him and his success.  I was passionate about getting this right.  I was passionate about keeping my house clean.  Because I was so passion about it, it cost me.  Not financially.  Although, that was an aspect of it.  But how many of y’all know that that's a small piece of the pie?  Right.  Back to the point.  It cost me.  It “hurt.”  I remember asking myself, “Why is this happening?  What was I thinking?” "Somebody make it stop!"  "Make it go away!"  Passion.  Hurt.  Sacrifice.  10pm.  2am.  6am.  Those are the times that I had to take Bruizer out if I was going to help him be successful at this housebreaking thing.  In the dead of winter of 2008-2009.  Bitter cold.  Lots of snow and ice.  See, you may think I'm smart, because I write and have a couple of degrees.  Sike!  Fooled ya!  Smart folk don't buy non-housebroken (yes, I make words up) puppies.  In the winter.  In Ohio.  See not very smart. :-) 

But that little guy who had me up in the wee hours putting his lil’ paws on my boots to keep them warm, he was a part of my destiny.  But I had to make some sacrifices.  I had to be more concerned about his success than I was my lack of sleep.  I had to hurt.  I had to be passionate.  “So, Eric.  Your destiny was housebreaking your dog?”  No.  It's part of what led me to my destiny.  Speaking.  Teaching.  Writing.  Coaching.  Challenging.  Changing lives.  It also taught me: What I'm capable of.  What I'm able to withstand. That experience was a part of my destiny, because it brought me here with you today.  To challenge you.  To charge you.  To begin equipping you. To help you find your destiny.  To tell you that, "Even when you don't fit, you're fit". Y'all like that, don't you?  Good, ‘cause it’ll be coming soon in a series near you!  :-)  

Seriously, though.  It is usually the case that during those times you're the most fit.  By the way, anytime you don't fit you should get excited!  Why?  Because you're about to grow in major ways!  You'll be tested.  You'll be tried.  However, if you stay in the fire, you'll find out that you're fit for the purpose.  Passion.  Hurt.  Destiny.  PHD and PhD.  Because, in the end, oh, you've become quite philosophical.  And you’ll feel as though you've earned many doctorates.  In Passion.  In Hurt.  In Destiny.  You'll have suffered.  You’ll have counted and paid the cost.  All that'll be left will be for you to take the stage and collect your hard-earned PhD.